It’s OK not to know, you know?

A book I am reading about anxiety says that people like me are not so much control freaks, as certainty freaks. That is why we worry. I am OK in principle that these paintings will show me the way when they are ready, and I really want to find my way as I go. To be honest though, right now the uncertainty is uncomfortable. I have big dreams for these paintings. What if what I’ve got now is just colourful nonsense? Maybe I should start again? What should I do differently if I did? I read an encouraging email from the artist Alice Sheridan about the messy middle, but she’s done it before! I haven’t. What if I can’t do it at all? Last week I was in plan mode. I remembered why I was experimenting with value and colour- in order to pull the eye around so I could tell a story. I’ve been painting that way, concentrating on design. That has got me to this point, but it won’t get me any further. They don’t feel like I want them to, I want them to feel expressive and spontaneous. How do I get play back into them, without losing the design? Should I lose the design, and find it again later? It would be great if my paintings could stand as an expression of who I was when I was painting them. If the process and these ideas could be aligned. Maybe that is just what I am looking for at the moment. That is the answer to where these paintings are going. But if you can see the path ahead it’s probably not yours, right? And you have to start from where you are.